


Letters to Alex

by HerDiamonds



Series: Ghosts of Us [1]
Category: Supergirl (TV 2015)
Genre: Angst, F/F, Fix It Fic, I really don't know what to tag this as, Maggie has PPD, Undercover Missions, emotions will run high, letters to Alex through Maggie's pov, they're still so in love
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-11-10
Updated: 2017-11-11
Packaged: 2019-01-31 16:57:10
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con, Underage
Chapters: 10
Words: 8,850
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12686268
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/HerDiamonds/pseuds/HerDiamonds
Summary: Maggie starts writing letters to Alex since they broke up, keeping Alex updated on her life. It was just somewhere Maggie could tell her everything, because Alex was never going to read them, right?Follow along on the journey as Maggie moves and starts going undercover, risking everything to do her job. And what happens when feelings and life get in the way and Maggie's life hangs in the balance?





	1. Letter One

**Author's Note:**

> So, I explained this on Tumblr a little bit, but let me add more. this is a part of a series and this particular part “letters to Alex” will be told in Maggie’s pov specifically. and will only contain Maggie related stories. Alex has her own which is called “The in between” 
> 
> some of these ‘letters’ are going to be short and others will be longer. I also want to point out, I am taking prompts for the letters. if you have an idea you want written and it coincides with the “canon” of this series, I will do my best to write it! you can leave them in my inbox on Tumblr @cicinicole-14 
> 
> I really hope you all like this series!

_ Alex,  _

_             I don’t actually know why I’m writing this to you…  _

_             It’s not like you’re actually going to read this. I’m not going to send you this, but I figured it would give me an outlet for my emotions. I thought maybe it could help. If I could tell you things here that I couldn’t say out loud.  _

_             It’s been almost a month since I left you in your apartment. A month since I took off my engagement ring and gave it to you. A month since we last slept together and God do I miss you.  _

_             I’m back in Gotham City, but you know this already. We kept in touch until last week when I was busy moving. I’m sorry I haven’t been answering your calls. I’ve been meaning to call you back, but now every time I pick up the phone, I don’t know what to say.  _

_             I’ve been busy too. I got assigned to the Undercover Division at work now, and I’ve been running a few little UC stings so far, but they’re getting ready to put me on a few bigger ones in the future. Boss says I’m promising.  _

_             I think being back in Gotham has helped me a little. It’s like a fresh start again, albeit a bit weird, since this was the place I ran from before, but I think it has helped a bit. It will help me heal. I’m getting another new start. And I hope it can only help me learn to heal and learn to live without you in my life.  _

_             I still miss National City so much. It was the first and only place I’ve ever been able to call home, but I think that was because you were there. So, I guess anywhere with you could be considered home. You felt like home.  _

_            The new apartment is empty. I still really haven’t unpacked yet. My clothes are unpacked and some of my furniture, but most other things still live in boxes I keep walking into all the time.  My apartment is empty, because that’s what it is. Mine. Not ours. But I’m going to have to live with that.  _

_            I miss you, a lot, Alex Danvers. _

_                                                                                                                                                        Love you, forever _

_                                                                                                                                                                                Maggie _


	2. Letter Two

 

_             You know, one would think that when someone just stops answering someone else’s phone calls for three months, they’d take the hint. But apparently you can’t. And today I finally couldn’t take it anymore. You need to stop calling. It’s not helping either of us. It hurts me so much, Alex, to see your name flash across my screen and every single time I want to pick up the phone. I did today, because I snapped. I hit my breaking point and I yelled at you because I was scared. I was scared I would just come clean. But I can't tell you how I really feel. I can’t tell you that leaving you was the biggest regret I ever have. It’s the biggest mistake I’ve ever made and I’ve made some huge mistakes in my life. I can’t tell you that everything I thought regarding leaving you was stupid.  _

_             I can’t answer the constant calls anymore because I love you so much. I can’t answer the phone because I’m scared I’m just going to blurt that out and tell you all of this, tell you how much I love you. I can’t pick up the phone because I know you can’t love me back.  _

_             You need to just stop calling. Because we aren’t going to work. We want different things and nothing is going to change about that. You will not ever be able to love me completely, and I will never be able to make you completely happy. I can live without you, knowing that you have the potential to be completely and utterly happy in life. You and I both know that that isn’t with me.  _

_             They put me on a big undercover sting this time. I start infiltration next week and I have no idea how long it’s going to be, but it’s big. I don’t think I should write to “you” even while I’m undercover, even though these few have really helped me cope. I wouldn’t want anyone to find one of these letters. _

_                                                                                                                                     I love you forever, Alex Danvers _

_                                                                                                                                                                                Maggie _


	3. Letter Three

 

_ Alex, _

_             It’s been awhile since I’ve written anything to you. If I told you this in person, you’d definitely laugh in my face. I had a baby.  _

_             I got pregnant while undercover. Funny, right? A lesbian who never wanted kids got pregnant.  _

_             I hated my baby.  _

 

Maggie puts the pen down, glad that it’s quiet. She wipes a tear that had slipped out from under her lashes, sitting alone on the bed. 

 

She wishes Alex was with her. 

 

She wishes anybody was with her. 

 

She picks up the pen again and continues her train of thought. 

 

_             All throughout my pregnancy, I hated the baby. I just hated it. I just wanted to be pulled from my operation and be able to live my life. But I lost contact. Hanson moved us, and no one from my team knew where I was.  _

_             I didn’t know where I was.  _

_            But I was alone. And pregnant with a baby I had no intention of wanting or keeping. A baby I hated wholeheartedly.  _

 

“Luisa, come on, we’re being moved.” One of the girls, Rosalinda, nudges her. 

 

“Moved? Why are we being moved?” She asks frantically. This could not be happening. This shouldn’t be happening. 

“Hanson thinks there’s a mole. He’s moving all of us.” Rosa replies. 

 

Maggie shakes her head, but begins to follow everyone else’s motions in folding up their sheets they slept on. “Where’s he taking us?” She asks. 

 

“Lu, in here, we learn to not ask those questions. That’s why Roberta never returned. Remember, that’s why Gary took you a few weeks back. Stop asking questions. For all we know, you’re the mole. He’s going to kill us all. We stay quiet down here, follow orders and stay alive. That way, we can be sold and hopefully be released from this hell.” Another one of the women speaks up. Maggie got to know her as Daniela. She’s quite the loud mouth who speaks her mind. 

 

“I–I’m just scared.” She says softly, continuing to meticulously fold up her linens, long after everyone else had theirs folded. 

 

“We all are, cariño.” Rosa says. “Now vamos, Gary is coming to move us soon. Get your things. We probably won’t get new sheets again, so if you want to sleep with them, rapido!” She speaks in broken English. 

 

She finishes tucking all of her sheets into a folded mess, carefully trying to conceal the bug she had tucked behind the corner of her mattress. She gets up, following single file behind the line of girls, more trailing behind her, as they load into a truck to be transferred. 

 

Hanson takes the middle of the truck bed, standing up, hovering over the scared and grimy women. “Someone in here’s a mole. I will find out who. But until then, we took extra precautions and we will be monitoring all of you more closely.” His voice rumbles over the cowering and whimpering of scared women and teenage girls. 

 

Maggie reaches a hand out, offering it to Carmen sitting next to her. The fourteen year old, shaking in her skin. She’s one of the youngest and was brought in on the same shipment Maggie was. The moment Maggie had laid eyes on her, she vowed to herself to protect Carmen from Hanson. 

 

It had been hours before the truck halted to a stop and the latch opened up, again revealing Hanson and his henchmen, making the women and girls file out. It was dark and Maggie tried to take in her surroundings but it was hard. 

 

Wherever they were was desolate. 

 

But they filled in after each other, one by one, walking into a barn and into their respected new cages. Maggie made sure her cage was next to Carmen’s, watching over the young teen. 

 

Hanson notices the switch in line as Maggie moves back a few girls to be in line before Carmen. “Louisa! Get back in line!” He shouts. He then realizes what she’d done and grabs Carmen by the arm, forcefully. “You trying to protect her?” He sneers, grabbing Carmen’s chin and planting a sloppy kiss on her lips before smacking the teen across the face. 

 

Maggie hunches over, choking out the little food she had in her stomach. 

 

“That don’t do it for you?” He asks, dropping his grip on Carmen and stepping closer to Maggie. “Why don’t I take you back to the main piece of property and I can show you what a good time I am, again? What to do say, sweet cheeks?” He says in a low tone, his mouth right next to her ear. 

 

He reeks of tobacco and cheap cologne. It makes Maggie’s stomach churn again and she doubles over, dry-heaving the empty contents of her stomach. 

 

Hanson takes a step back. “Get in your cage. I don’t need to catch the flu.” He snarls, giving Maggie a shove and she slinks down onto the mattress in the cage. 

 

She unfolds her sheets, carefully trying to find the bug that was placed in it before Hanson takes center barn. 

 

He crouches down, picking up a small black item that looked like an earplug. “What do we have here?” He questions, eyeing the bug. He walks over to a flat area of the barn that has hardwood and lays the bug down on the ground, crushing it with his patent leather loafers. “When I find out who the mole is, you’re dead.” He snarls again, walking out of the barn, locking it up. 

 

Maggie feels light-headed, taking a seat on the mattress and putting her hand up to her head. 

 

“You’re not––?” Rosa starts to ask, and Maggie turns to her left where Rosalinda was sitting on her own cot mattress in her cage. 

 

“What?” Maggie hisses. “The mole? Of course not. I’m not that stupid. I’m also not smart enough to be a cop or something. I was a damn waitress in Acuna, I wouldn’t wanna be a damn cop.” She grumbles. 

 

“No, I meant you’re not pregnant right? Gary took you a few weeks back and you never told us what happen, you just came back all shaken up. And just now he walked right over to you.” Rosa insinuates. 

 

“No.” Maggie replies harshly. 

 

_             Figuring out I was pregnant was awful. I was getting sick all day long on literally nothing. We barely ever ate and whatever I did eat, would just come right back up. I just refused to believe I was pregnant. That I could even be pregnant. I didn’t want that. I didn’t want a baby. I couldn’t have a baby. I was undercover. And I hated it. I hated that baby for even existing.   _

 

“Ella necesita ver a una enfermera.” Maggie can hear Rosa say from her own cage. 

 

She’s curled in a ball on the corner of her mattress, clammy and shaking. 

 

“I don’t need a doctor.” Maggie yells at the woman only trying to help.

 

“You know, don’t you?” Rosa says calmly. 

 

“We all know.” Maggie snaps, a tear rolling down her cheek. 

 

“Cariño, no llores.” Rosa says softly. 

 

It’s all Maggie  _ can _ do. Ever since Hanson crushed her bug, her intel with her handler was lost and everything was radio silent. She cups her still-flat abdomen as she dry-heaves once again. 

 

She was stuck. She was unarmed. She was scared. 

 

_             I was alone. And scared. Alex, I put up such a tough front, but I was so scared.  _

_             I hated being pregnant. All the girls would ogle and squeal over me whenever the baby kicked. I hated it. I hated the feeling. I hated everything. This baby shouldn’t have even existed.  _

 

Maggie started half-waddling around the cage, pacing. 

 

“He’ll bring her back, don’t worry.” Rosa said. 

 

“How can you say that? Rosa, you have no idea what he does to us when it’s just him!” Maggie screamed at her. 

 

“Tell me, then? Tell me what he does.” Rosa says angrily. 

 

“You already  _ know _ what he does.” Maggie snaps and Rosa’s eye flicker to Maggie’s enlarged abdomen.

 

“Carmen will be okay. She’s strong.” Rosa reassures her. 

 

“ _ So was I _ .” She hisses before wincing and placing a palm on the bottom right side of her stomach, pressing it. 

 

“Baby kicking again?” Rosa notes. Maggie just ignores her. “Do you want a boy or a girl?” Silence again, she watches as Maggie takes a seat back on her mattress. 

 

“I don’t want the kid. I don’t want to be a mother.” She snaps, coldly. “Giving it up when we get out of here.  _ If _ we get out. I hope they’ll just take it when it’s born.” 

 

“How can you even say that, Luisa?” Daniela says from across the barn. 

 

“Don’t want kids. Never have.” She says in an icy tone. “They’re a sore subject.” She adds. “The reason I walked out on the love of my life.”

 

“Never met a dude who wanted kids that bad.” Daniela comments. 

 

“Yeah…” Maggie trails off. “Now zip it. I want to sleep.” She says, tossing and turning a bit on the mattress trying to find a comfortable position. 

 

Hanson walks in, not a moment later, gripping and moreso dragging Carmen with him. The poor girl is in tears and Maggie’s up on her feet as fast as she can muster. Hanson shoves her into the cage on Maggie’s right before turning towards Maggie. 

 

“Louisa, baby, how’s our little love child doing?” He asks, sickeningly sweet. He reaches out a hand, caressing her belly and Maggie flinches. “I can’t wait till he’s born. I hope he looks like me. Or if we have a little girl, I hope she looks just like  _ you _ .” He smiled, caressing her stomach one last time before walking away and Maggie yet again flinches.

 

_             But I have a kid now.  _

_             Her name is Jamie Alexandra Sawyer.  _

_             I have no idea what I’m doing.  _

 

Maggie once again sets the pen down, lifting back the sheet and stands up. She’s thankful that the nurse left for the evening and she could just get some silence.  She wipes another tear that escaped from her lashes and sniffles back tears. No one needed to see her like this.

 

The baby is lying in the bassinet and she looks down, peering in at the tiny bundle swaddled in a pink blanket, donning the tiniest hat she’s ever seen. She carefully slips her hands under the baby, lifting her up and cradling her to her chest as she leans against the side of the bed. 

 

The little girl lets out a tiny whimper and she starts to ever so slightly bounce the baby, shushing her. 

 

“I’m sorry.” She says softly. “I  _ do _ love you.” 

 

_                                                                                                                                                       Love you, forever _

_                                                                                                                                                                             Maggie _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Cariña= sweetie  
> vamos= come on  
> rapido= hurry/fast  
> Ella necesita ver a una enfermera= I think she needs to see a doctor  
> Cariña, no llores= sweetie, don’t cry
> 
> I used google translate for Spanish for all of these, sorry if they’re incorrect. :/


	4. Letter Four

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this letter is set after letter three, chronologically
> 
> closing the door to a couple things here, while opening the door to others… hope you enjoy!
> 
> ps. like I’ve said before, some letters will be longer than others. some will have scene flashbacks like this one and others will be like one and two :)

_             I have no idea what I’m doing… _

_             Jamie and I were released from the hospital a few weeks ago and I don’t know what I was thinking.  _

_             I wish you were here.  _

 

“He’s laying low, as far as we know for now, Sawyer.” Her captain says softly, taking note of the sleeping baby in the arms of one of his best detectives. “We’ve placed surveillance at your building for the past week while you’ve been in the hospital. It’s safe as far as we’re concerned. You just follow doctor’s orders and go home and take care of that baby.” 

 

“Yeah…” She trails off half-heartedly. “Because taking a baby home to an apartment I haven’t seen in almost nine months, and have literally no necessities for a newborn is a great idea.” She says, sarcasm seeping from her lips. 

 

The baby squirms in her arms. 

 

“A few of the guys put together a crib and stocked you with some diapers and food. Some of their wives got together and got you other things a baby would need. I think you should have everything you need, including the car seat I brought you yesterday. Go home, Sawyer. Take care of your kid.” He instructed. 

 

Maggie huffed as he left and looked down at the tiny baby in her arms and then at the car seat carrier sitting on the edge of her hospital bed. 

 

“Oh god, please do not let me break her.” She mumbled under her breath as she stood up to strap the baby in. 

 

_             I’m a mess.  _

_             The very first night alone with her, I stayed up the entire night, researching how to take care of a newborn. I read article after article online of how to take care of a baby. I didn’t know what the hell I was doing. I was so scared.  _

_             I still am.  _

_             I hate feeling like this. Like a failure.  _

_             Jamie cries a lot and I just don’t know what to do. Baby books say all kinds of things, from being hungry or needing to be changed, or gas or just discontent and I don’t know what I was thinking, keeping her… _

 

Maggie paces. 

 

She paces from the living room to the kitchen, around the table, down the hall to her room and then to the nursery and then to the bathroom before backtracking back to the living room to start again, all while bouncing the screaming baby in her arms. 

 

There’s a pink burp cloth on her shoulder, a bottle in one hand, trying to nudge its way into a tiny mouth. Her hair is in a greasy bun and she can’t remember the last time she showered. It was probably in the hospital a week ago, when she actually had a nurse watching Jamie so she could freshen up before going home. 

 

“Shhh…” She tries to soothe but the little baby just keeps crying. 

 

Maggie secedes, taking a seat on the couch, sighing in exhaustion. “I don’t know what to do with you. Why won’t you stop crying?” She cries, mirroring the baby. 

 

Jamie doesn’t stop until she’s literally cried herself to sleep. 

 

_             It’s been a real hell.  _

_             I’m so nervous I’m going to break her.  _

_             And I sometimes still feel like hating her.  _

_             Alex, everything in me hurts. Sometimes when she cries in the middle of the night, I just want to ignore it, to ignore her. I’m so tired, and I feel like I’m failing her as a mother. I know I am, because I didn’t want her, and sometimes still don’t.  _

_             I don’t know what I’m doing, raising a kid. I wish someone would just come take her off my hands and do this. I can’t do this, and I don’t think I ever will be able to… _

_             Aren’t moms, even ones who didn’t want kids, supposed to feel overwhelming love for their babies? Don’t they just immediately know what to do?  _

_             I should be handling this better. I don’t know what is wrong, but I sometimes have to just will myself to take care of her, and it kills me because I don’t want to, but I have to or she won’t survive. _

_             She almost didn’t survive. Both of us almost didn’t… The day I was rescued was one of the scariest days of my life. _

 

She rolled over on the mattress onto her other side, pressing her palm into her stiffened belly, groaning quietly. 

 

“Luisa, are you okay?” Rosa asks, seeing the scrunched up face of discomfort on Maggie’s face. 

 

“‘M fine.” She manages to get out. 

 

“Don’t tell me you’re going into labour?” Rosa says and Maggie shakes her head. 

 

“I’m n––” She’s cut off by the sound of a gunshot. 

 

Everyone in the barn is dead silent as a symphony of gunshots go off and people are yelling. 

 

Tears are slipping down Maggie’s face as another contraction hits and she can’t tell if the tears are from the pain or fright, due to whatever is going on outside the barn. 

She can’t make out the voices, they’re too far away, but there’s a screen when a gunshot goes off, close to the barn and the door swings open, revealing a figure as the setting sun casts a shadow upon them.

 

All twenty-six girls look at the door, praying for a miracle. 

 

He walks in, immediately headed towards her cage and shoots the padlock off of it, roughly pulling her up by the arm and dragging her with him. Maggie cries harder. 

 

She’s barely able to keep up with him as a flurry of bullets fly around over her head. Her vision is blurry from her tears and she’s so concentrated on her breathing, she doesn’t listen to the voices around her. 

 

“I always knew you were the cop!” Hanson shouts, readjusting his grip on her, moving his arm to across her chest. Maggie cursed everything around her, knowing that if she currently wasn’t going into labour at that very moment, she could’ve surely incapacitated him. 

 

She can barely make out one of the people on her team, pointing a gun straight at her and Hanson. “Hanson, let her go!” Reynolds shouts. 

 

“And let you win? And let her have my child?” He shouts back. 

 

“Let her go, and we will let you go!” He lies. 

 

Maggie hears a bullet go off and for a moment, she thinks it’s hit her, but when her eyes open, she realizes she’s being dragged further back onto the property and the image of Reynolds, laying on the grass, bleeding out gets smaller and smaller. 

 

“L–Let me go, Gary.” She musters. “Taking me and a baby on the run will only hold you back. Let me go.” 

 

Hanson stops in his tracks and Maggie doesn’t know what made him do it, but he lets her go, taking off in one direction as she slumps down against one of the trees. 

 

The pain in her abdomen increases again as another contraction rips through her. She screams out for help, knowing the pain was only going to get worse, fast. She barely pulls herself up and starts heading in one direction of the property, hoping someone will hear her and find her before the sun completely sets. 

 

They’re running out of time. She’s running out of energy and the pain has gotten increasingly worse. 

 

“I found her!” She hears the shout and she wipes the tears from her eyes, watching as Detective Snyder puts his radio back onto the clip and breaks out in a sprint towards her, dropping to his knees in front of her. “Sawyer, Sawyer, are you hurt?”

 

She shakes her head. “No, but the baby’s coming.” She manages to squeeze out before grabbing his arm tightly as a contraction hits. She leans forward, pressing her forehead into his shoulder. 

 

Detective Snyder puts his arms under hers, trying to shift her weight and help her alleviate the pain. “When my wife was pregnant, she had me sit like this. Just let me know when this one’s over and then I can get you out of here.” He says. 

 

She lets him know when the contraction is over and he stands up, helping pull the short woman to her feet before scooping her up, bridal style and slowly carrying her out of the woods on the property. 

 

“Did you get the others? There was twenty-six of us.” Maggie says. 

 

“We did. You did so amazing here, Sawyer.” He praises. 

 

“How’d you find me?” She asks. It’ had been months of radio silence and no communication due to Hanson crushing the bug he found about six months ago. 

 

“The subdermal tracker you have, from when you worked in National City, we didn’t know you had it until recently, and we had a recruit who transferred from National City this week. He asked about you, and when we said you’d been undercover for eight months but lost contact with you six months ago and had been searching for you ever since, he said why we hadn’t tracked you through your GPS tracker. We didn’t know you had that.” 

 

“Yeah, whenever you work with uh,” She paused, not knowing how to phrase what she was going to say next. “When I was working with my ex, the company she works for is super high-up and requires extensive precautions. I got a tracker the second I signed on to work with them, because the first time I was kidnapped.” She explained. “I thought my tracker was on file?” She said. 

 

“No, there are a few things in your file that are redacted. That could possibly be one of them.” She nods, knowing that while she worked with the DEO, some of the information on her files became redacted. The subdermal tracker was probably part of that, because it kept bad people from always knowing where she was. “You’re safe now, though.” He said, making it to the edge of the woods, finally. 

 

There was a team waiting there for them with an ambulance. As soon as she was laid on the gurney, the team of detectives all erupted in applause, cheering for Maggie because she was a hero who, even though Hanson got away for now, she saved the lives of twenty-five girls. 

 

_             They called me a hero.  _

_             I didn’t feel like a hero.  _

_             I felt like a failure and I hated everything. Hanson got away.  _

_             I’m just glad that all of the girls got to go home safely. Carmen was reunited with her parents, some of the other younger girls too. Rosa got to go back home to her kids and Daniela went back to her family. _

_             Everyone got to go home to someone, except me.  _

_             It hurts that I didn’t get to come home to you.  _

_             I came home to an empty apartment with a baby I hated and I didn’t want or know how to raise.  _

_             But I’m learning to love her.  _

_             Maybe one day I’ll love her as much as I love you.  _

_                                                                                                                                                                                                                                       Forever, _ __

_                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                 Maggie _

  
  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I didn’t actually check for typos so hopefully there aren’t any but if there was, oh well...


	5. Letter Five

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> um, yeah...I’m just going to leave this here……...

 

_             I know you won’t be able to read this, but I’m writing it anyway. I think you know better than anyone how much writing these letters helps me heal.  _

_             I hate that I’m missing a life with you. I just want to go back to the beginning, where everything felt right.  _

_             I miss your laugh. I miss how you smile at me and your dimples pop out. I miss the way your big brown eyes light up when you talk about something you love. I miss your adorable face and being able to kiss it all over. I miss how you used to push me away whenever I did that, but you secretly loved it. I miss your hugs. I miss holding you. I miss coming home from work and ordering take-out with you. I miss watching movies on the couch with you. I miss holding your hand whenever we’d walk in the city. I miss when you’d steal my sweatshirts and walk around the apartment. I miss how you loved me unconditionally.  _

_             I miss my life with you, and I don’t know how I got by without you before.  _

_             I hate that everything has become so convoluted.  _

_             I hate being apart from you.  _

_             I wish I could just come back to be with you and everything would be okay again and it would go  _

_ back to what it once was. I wish everything would just go back to normal.   _

_             I miss you so much.  _

_             I miss everyone.  _

_             I just want my life back to what it was before.  _

_             It kills me to be away from you. I just want to come back and hold you in my arms, because leaving _

_ you was the biggest mistake. Even if it was for all the right reasons. It was the hardest thing I’ve ever done in my life.  _

_             My life is so lonely without you.  _

_             One day, I hope I can come back to you.  _

_             There’s not a day that goes by that you aren’t on my mind. I will never forget you. I love you so, so much.  _

_                                                                                                                                                                                                                              Forever, _

_                                                                                                                                                                                                                                          Mama _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *sips tea*


	6. Letter Six

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> like I’ve mentioned before, this is a really emotionally rattling fic. there’s a lot going on. And I’m trying my best to do it justice. I don’t expect (nor do I want you readers to expect) that everything will be rainbows and butterflies and compromise (legit just stole that from a song oops anyways). Life is tough, and it will drag you through hell. but everything in life has its ups and downs. it’ll get better, right?
> 
> I hope you enjoy! and if you have anything you want to see, send me a message on Tumblr @cicinicole-14 or if you just want to come yell at me, because y’know I definitely deserve that…
> 
> and ps, this takes place after letter four!

 

_There was something wrong with me._

_I saw a doctor today, a therapist actually._

_I have PPD, postpartum depression._

_It scares me, but the therapist says that I’m doing well. She referred me to support groups and I told her about these letters. She said to continue writing them, because they are helping me._

_It just sucks so much, Alex. I can’t do anything right for Jamie it seems. I still don’t know why I still have her. I’m learning to love her, but sometimes I just want to give up. Sometimes I don’t even know what to do anymore. I just want everything to be magically fixed. Or I can time jump ahead to where everything is fine and dandy._

_I don’t want to do this alone, but there’s no one I trust to do this with me. I wish you were here. You make everything better. You’d know how to help me, and then you’d be able to be a mom, just like you wanted. You’d love her, and know how to love her correctly._

_I hate feeling like this, feeling lost. Feeling like a failure. Feeling like I’m doing everything wrong._

_The support group has been helping. We meet once a week at the park, with our babies, and share about what’s going on, how we feel about ourselves and on being mothers that week. It helps a bit. And writing to you. I’m just terrified a lot, because a lot of the other moms have been talking about their experiences fully, and I’m just not ready to talk about what happened yet. I honestly don’t know if I’ll ever be ready. Even with my therapist, she knows that I was held captive on an undercover op and that’s when I got pregnant. I didn’t tell her anything else, and she’s had the respect to not pry._

_I don’t want to talk about it, for now, not even writing it here. It reminds me that I wasn’t strong enough, that I was weak. It was the lowest point in my life, thus far and I’m not ready to talk about it. But if anything, you’ll probably be the first one I tell everything to._

_Love you forever, Danvers_

_Maggie_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> yeah, so, Maggie’s a train wreck. come yell at me...
> 
> but for real though, I just want to wrap her in a blanket and hug her. and we haven’t even gotten to the juicy parts yet (: but I hope y’all are still on board


	7. Letter Seven

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this takes place obviously after letter 6, a few years after. honestly, okay, this is like right around mothers day when Jamie is four. so, a year-year and a half before past takes place. just smack in the middle of everything. 
> 
> also, it hurt me too, and I put a lot of thought into writing this one. I didn’t really know what words to use, but this was one of the ideas I had had for a while for in this series. I hope you enjoy!

 

_ Alex,  _

_             I found something today that took me by surprise and I felt like I should share it with you.  _

_             The day we packed my things away at your apartment, I’d stuffed this away. I hid them from you and never remembered to retrieve it. But I found them today, in my cards box, you know the one I keep all my cards from people in? I guess I shoved it in there. I found it today when I went to put my mother’s day card, that Jamie made me at preschool, in the box for safe keeping.  _

_             It was just sitting on top, and I didn’t even think about them, didn’t even remember them until today.  _

_             These were my wedding vows to you.  _

 

_             Alex, I stand in front of you and our friends and family today on the biggest day of our lives to tell you I love you. _

_             I never saw myself getting married, or having everything I could ever want, but I do with you. You are my everything. You showed me how to love. You taught me compassion.  _

_             I love that I’m able to work side by side with someone who understands me like you do. I can’t live without you. I’ve learned to merely co-exist in my life, because it’s not just mine anymore. It’s going to be ours.  _

_             You understand and know me better than anyone else in this universe, maybe even better than I know myself. I can’t wait to be able to call you my wife. I can’t wait to be your wife and we can start our forever. Ever since the day you stepped foot on my crime scene, it’s been the best day of my life. You are it for me.  _

_             I love you more than you could ever know, and nothing is going to change that. _

_             Ride or die, babe, forever. _

 

_             I don’t know if I’ll ever get to say those words to you in person, so I just wanted them to be written here. _

_                                                                                                                                                                                    I love you more than you could ever know _

_                                                                                                                                                                                                                                               Maggie _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> come yell at me...


	8. Letter Eight

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> guess who’s baaaccck? (kinda) I mean I don’t know if I’ll be posting regularly, but I am going to post what I have so far, so yeah. I wrote this last night and fixed it up today, I really don’t know what it was, all I knew was that I had an inspiration to write Maggie having a bit of a breakdown but realizing she does love her daughter, so this happened. 
> 
> I’m hoping to start writing more regularly again so cross y’all’s fingers and lets hope. 
> 
> also, so this takes place when Jamie is like a month old, so chronologically it’s like after letter three and possibly before letter four or right after letter four I’m really not sure? 
> 
> hopefully soon, I’m going to reread through everything and figure out the actual order of this series and write it down, and I’ll keep y’all updated with that in “Questions” (head over there for another update and a question if you haven’t checked it out, I put some notes down there. 
> 
> any who, it’s great to be back, I hope its for a while, and enjoy!

 

_ I’ve only ever hated and loved someone so much at the same moment, one other time in my entire life. Jamie was the second someone. You, Alex, were the first.  _

 

It’s dark and at first all she can hear are screams. She doesn’t know where they’re coming from, doesn’t realize what they are or what they mean. She listens closer and she can hear it better. There are two types. One is a definite scream but there’s another. It’s quieter, more so like a whispering cry. That’s when it hits her and she’s brought back to reality. 

 

Jamie. The screams are hers. She wailing in her crib in the other room but she can’t. She just can’t. She can’t be a mother. She can’t raise a baby. She didn’t want this. She never wanted this. 

 

And that’s when she realizes the cries, the softer ones, they’re coming from her. It sinks in when the tears that are rolling down her cheeks have soon made their way down her chin, neck, sliding down her shirt and soaking it through. 

 

She’s crying a lot. She has been for the past month. She honestly doesn’t know how she still has any test left to cry in the first place, but they still stream down her face, making her eyes red and her cheeks puffy, her nose raw. 

 

And she hates it. She hates being weak. She hates crying. But she just can’t fucking stop. And neither will the baby in the other room. 

 

_ I feel like I never know what I’m doing, if it’s right or wrong, or how to do it. Being a mother is the most difficult thing I’ve ever experienced, and you know I’ve been kidnapped and shot and fought for our city when it was under attack of the Daxamites. Nothing has ever compared to how hard this has been.  _

 

_ I almost called you tonight, too. I held the phone in my hands, crying, and dialled you up, but I don’t know what I would’ve said. I feel like I don’t know anything anymore. Everything in my brains has dried up, all my brain cells are dead. My whole body just feels dead and numb.  _

 

She knows Jamie will stop though if she just picks her up, but she can’t. She can’t pick her up because she has no energy. She has no will. No motivation. No nothing. She’s got nothing. She’s alone. 

 

Minus the screaming baby in the other room who she knows just wants to be held and loved but Maggie can’t love her. How could she love her? How could she love that innocent little baby, look at her, when she was brought into the world in such a cruel and disgusting way. How?

 

And Maggie knows it’s not her fault. She knows that Jamie is the most innocent thing in the entire equation to begin with, because if it’s anyone’s fault it’s her own for agreeing to go undercover. 

 

But it’s not her own fault either. It’s his and he’s to blame. Not Maggie. Not Jamie. Not anyone but him. 

 

And he’s the one who doesn’t have to suffer. Because he got away. And now she’s stuck with the repercussions. Now she’s stuck with the screaming baby in the other room and she can barely breathe. 

 

But she does. 

 

She sucks in a breath and musters every little ounce of energy she has left within herself and she gets up from the bed. She pads across the hall and into the nursery, if she can even call it that. It’s a spare bedroom, which was once her office but was semi converted to Jamie’s room when she brought her home from the hospital. It’s not a nursery. It’s a room with a laundry basket filled with clean clothes, a hamper filled with dirty laundry, a half empty box of baby diapers and a bassinet in the corner next to the window. She heard that babies are supposed to be near the light. Something about the sun helping their colouring—jaundice or something like that... 

 

She peers over the side of the bassinet, looking at the scrunched up, red faced infant, wailing away. Carefully, she slides one hand under the baby’s bottom and the other under her head, cradling her gently and lifting her up and resting her against her chest. 

 

“Shh, Jamie.” She whispers. 

And Maggie swears in that moment, she believed in whatever powerful deity that made it happen, but Jamie’s cries silenced almost immediately. 

And Maggie choked out one last sob before swaying slowly with the tiny bundle cradled against her, rooting softly against her collarbone. 

She pressed her nose ever so softly into the newborn’s soft head of almost black hair, inhaling her scent, committing it to memory. 

She peered down the best she could, trying to stare at the baby’s face from the awkward angle and rubber the pad of her thumb across Jamie’s tiny jaw. 

That’s when everything happened at once and Maggie knew. 

That’s when the corner of Jamie’s mouth turned upward, she swore, into the tiniest smile she’d ever seen. 

She knows it’s probably, definitely gas, but she doesn’t care. 

That moment was the moment she knew it would all start to be okay. 

And maybe, just maybe, she could love her daughter. 

Maybe she could do this. 

_ We’ve had our rough days, and I know they will get worse along the way. It’ll get better. And even though I hate how she was brought into the world, I hate why, and even though I hate that you and I ended on rough terms regarding our future, I hated leaving you, I love you both. I really do.   _

_ Forever. _

_ Maggie  _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> come yell at me...


	9. Letter Nine

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so, this is set at two different times, obviously, because italics is the written portion of the letter and the regular text is a flashback like normal (minus the very first section of this update, because Jamie is mentioned there, y’all will catch on). 
> 
> anyway, the italicized part takes place in the “real time” of letters aka after letter 4. Jamie is very little still, and it takes place about one year after Maggie starts her undercover mission, which she was on for roughly 9-10 months. 
> 
> the flashback takes place after letter 2. (the one that Maggie writes to Alex saying “hey you keep calling and I couldn’t take it so I picked up the phone and yelled at you” yeah that letter) 
> 
> also I didn’t proof read any of this so let’s hope I don’t have typos but I can guarantee I do… so sorry?

 

_I haven’t had a mom in fifteen years. So this whole, motherhood thing, it’s terrifying. You know my aunt took me in for three years until I could go out on my own, but we were never close. And I was practically grown. I knew how to cook and do laundry when I moved in with her, she didn’t ever have to really parent me._

 

Maggie looks up from her paper and pen, glancing to her right, seeing the tiny little baby, cradled between her hip and a pillow, lying on the bed next to her as she wrote.

 

“Today’s my birthday, and instead of going out for my annual celebratory favourite dessert, I’m here, talking to myself and writing a love letter to the woman I’ll probably never see again.” She says to Jamie. She shakes her head in disbelief as a stray tear rolls down her cheek.

 

Her phone buzzes on the nightstand next to her, startling her momentarily, and she lets a small smile spread across her face as she reads the text message. A simple ‘Happy Birthday! Hope you get this. xx’ was all it read, but it was enough to bring a bit of happiness to her life in that short moment.

 

She quickly taps out a reply in thanks before setting her phone back down and continuing her letter, knowing exactly what she wanted to write.

 

_And so it really sucked when I finally had a family. And I didn’t want it to be torn away from me. I walked out of your apartment, your life, leaving behind not just you, but a sister that I’d gained, a brother, a father-figure and something I didn’t know I needed, a mother._

 

 _Eliza. You two have a rocky relationship, I know, but I’ll always be thankful to her, Alex. I’ve always loved your mom. She_ ~~_was_~~ _is always good to me. She helped me a lot after we broke up, even if it was only one phone call. But we’d talked for hours, and I don’t think I would be as strong as I am, had it not have been for her. It’s been about a year since we’ve spoken, but I miss her, almost as much as I miss you. She’s a wonderful woman, and I can only hope to be as wise as she is one day._

 

She flips through the folder another time, going over her latest undercover operation, studying her new identity. _Luisa Torres. 26. Acuna, Mexico_ . For the next however long this next operation took, she was Luisa. She leaves for Mexico in two days, and the butterflies in her stomach have yet to cease. _It’ll all be okay_ she tells herself.

 

Hre phone rings, loudly, and she walks over to the counter to retrieve it from the charger, checking the caller ID. She furrows a brow, confused at the caller, but decides to oblige them and answer, putting her phone to her ear and greeting whomever was on the other line.

 

“Hi, Dr. Danvers?” She half questions.

 

“Hi, Maggie, oh it’s good to hear your voice. I’m so glad you still have this number.” Eliza says through the phone and Maggie can almost hear her smile. “And what have I told you about calling me Dr. Danvers.” She chides.

 

She’s already fighting back tears. “I-It’s good to hear your voice too, Eliza.” She corrects herself.

 

Eliza is a mother, and she has a sixth sense for things, so she immediately can sense the lilt in Maggie’s voice as she speaks. “What’s wrong dear?” She asks softly.

 

Maggie takes in a shaky, deep breath. “I don’t even know where to begin.” She sniffles.

 

“The beginning is always nice.” Eliza comments, lightening the mood.

 

“I don’t even know… Uh, first, first off, A-Alex called a few days ago, I don’t know if you know. But I couldn’t handle anything well, and I-uh, I yelled at her. I’m pretty sure, _definitely sure,_ I made her cry. And I feel like the most awful human on the planet, but it got her to stop calling me. Because that’s what she does. She calls, called, every day since she hadn’t heard from me or seen me around town, since I’d moved to Gotham.” She chokes back more sobs.

 

“Oh honey.” Eliza soothes. “You don’t need to feel bad. You need to heal too. Sometimes Alex needs a bit of the nasty side of things so she can see what others are going through.”

 

“How are you taking my side in this?” Maggie cuts in. “I made your daughter cry, after walking out on her.”

 

“Maggie, there are no sides. You both wanted different things. It’s not like, and I’m sorry for the example, but it’s not like you cheated on her and I’m taking your side. You both mutually broke up because you wanted different things, and while it hurts, there were no right and wrong sides.” She explains. “And you didn’t lose any of us. I know it might be hard, but please know, we are all here if you need us, okay?”

 

Maggie hums in response.

 

“I didn’t hear an ‘okay Eliza’” She says, followed by a light laugh.

 

“ _Okay Eliza_.” Maggie repeats, rolling her eyes, even though the older woman can’t see them.

 

“You’re rolling your eyes, aren’t you?” She questions and Maggie laughs.

 

“How can you tell that over a phone call?” She asks, shocked.

 

“You’re forgetting I raised two teenagers, and one of them was _Alexandra_.” Eliza laughs, making Maggie laugh before she stops and then wipes away another tear. “So, tell me, what’s been new with you? You mentioned you moved to Gotham City?” She says, changing the conversation to something other than Alex, and Maggie is more than grateful for it.

 

“Y-Yeah, I moved here a little while ago, and I’m uh, I’m actually headed off to another UC op, starting the day after tomorrow.” She says, almost nervously.

 

“Do you want to talk about it? Are you allowed to? You sound anxious, sweetie.”

 

Maggie doesn’t know how she does it, but Eliza picks up on everything. “I guess I am, a bit anxious that is. This is a bigger sting than I’ve ever worked. This sick bastard is trafficking Mexican girls over the border into Texas, from Mexico, so I’m headed there in a couple days to start infiltration.” She tells.

 

“Are you sure you’re up for this? I’m a mother, I have to nag and ask because I worry and love you.” Eliza comments and it makes Maggie smile.

 

“I’m up for it, I think. I really don’t have a choice. Either do this and potentially, hopefully, save these women, or lose my job, be demoted or something. I joined the force to give it my all, and no one’s going to want to hire a cop who chickened out on an undercover op. So, I kinda have to, right?” She almost questions.

 

“You don’t _have_ to do anything you don’t want to, Maggie.”

 

“I know, but I think I need to do this, go on this op and then, well, we’ll see what happens if I come out unscathed on the other end.” She says with a laugh, but both her and Eliza both know it wasn’t necessarily a joke. They both knew Maggie’s job was dangerous, and especially going undercover. It only made Eliza worry that much more.

 

_She never fails to make everything better for me. Even when I’m still slightly terrified of her. And she always knows what exactly to say, no matter what._

 

“––so then she puts the lid on the container––”   


“Oh no, she didn’t!” Maggie gasps.

 

“She did. And then put it in her backpack, thinking I wouldn’t catch her sneaking it out. So obviously the  pressure from the dry ice in the container build up and her entire backpack just exploded. It was terrifying, but she learned her lesson. Thankfully she hadn’t put her bag on her back yet, and she used the tongs in the freezer to grab the ice with instead of her bare hands.”

 

“That is hilarious.”

 

“Oh, it was, but she was still grounded, the first time she was ever grounded actually. Because Jeremiah and I specifically told her time and time again to stay out of the lab in the basement, it was dangerous. But she never listened to directions, even at such a young age.” Eliza shakes her head.

 

“Leave it to Danvers, a rebel at seven years old.” Maggie laughs. “Oh I’m going to bust her so har––” She stops mid-sentence, catching her slip up.

 

There’s a long silent pause between the two women before Eliza finally finds her word again. “Did anyone ever tell you the time Kara––” She begins, remembering another story.

 

_Your mom doesn’t know, or actually, she probably does, since she knows everything, but talking to her that night helped me so, so much, and I don’t think I would’ve made it through this year without her words echoing in my mind. I’m very thankful that she was still there for me. One day I hope she can meet Jamie too._

 

Maggie yawns on her end of the phone, making Eliza glance at the clock. “Oh my, look at the time, I’ve kept you up. I forgot you’re a few hours ahead too! Maggie, let me let you go, you need to sleep dear.” She says.

 

“You’re okay, Eliza. I-I really needed this call. You don’t know how good it is to hear your voice.”

 

“Same to you, dear. And you listen hear,” She starts. Maggie’s ears perk up and she listens in, paying close attention. “Don’t ever hesitate to call me for anything. I still love you like one of my own. You’ll always be family. And please be safe on this op, okay? You come back to us. I want to see you again, give you a big hug when I do, okay? And I’ll have tiramisu waiting for you when I see you again. You’re loved, Maggie, remember that.” She says and Maggie actually believes it this time.

 

“Thank you, Eliza. I can’t tell you how much this means to me. And can I ask you one last favor?” She asks softly. Eliza hums and Maggie takes it as an indication to continue. “Would you mind not telling Alex that we talked? I’m just, I’m leaving soon, for god knows how long, and I don’t know what's going to happen. But in the off chance I don’t come home, will you tell her I never stopped loving her? Please?”

 

“You tell her that yourself, because you’re coming home. Don’t you give up young lady.” Eliza jokes.

 

“Yes ma’am.” Maggie mocks in reply.

 

“In all seriousness, I won’t tell her we talked, but you have to promise to come home, okay?”

 

“We shouldn’t make promises we can’t keep.” Maggie pipes up. She’s honestly scared she won’t make it home on this operation.

 

“Promise me you’ll come home.” Eliza repeats once more and Maggie swallows back tears.

 

“I promise.”

 

“Thank you. Oh, and before I hang up, the whole reason I called; Happy birthday, sweetie. I wish you the best of luck with work, and I still love you tons.” Eliza says.

 

Maggie wipes away the tears falling from her cheeks. “Thank you, Eliza.”

 

_I hope she knows how much that call meant to me._

 

_Happy birthday to me. I wish I was cuddled in bed next to you, eating tiramisu with you… naked._

 

_Love,_

_Maggie_

                             

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> come yell at me...


	10. Letter Ten

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so this one hurt me a bit. but I hope y’all enjoy!

 

_ Alex,  _

 

_ Today was quite a day, let me tell you. I was just an emotional wreck. Jamie started her first day of kindergarten. She was on the fence with starting early, since her birthday is in October and school starts in September. But she took a placement test in early June after she finished preschool for the year and they said she was ready to advance into kindergarten. So she’ll only be four for a few more weeks and then she will be five and in kindergarten and she’s growing up so fast.  _

 

_ I took the morning off, which is why I had time to write this letter, and I was excited to tell you, because it’s something you should’ve gotten to be there for too. I wish you could’ve seen her. She had her hair in these pigtails which I still managed to make lopsided, and two blue bows at the top. And then she had on a black shirt and multi-colored dinosaur leggings. You know she’s going through a dinosaur phase finally, but she was still insistent on having a unicorn backpack  _

 

_ And then I walked her to her class and it was in the new school and it’s obviously  bigger building since it’s all elementary school, but she’s just, she’s growing up, and you should’ve been here for this.  _

 

_ You know, I thought about it.  _

 

_ If you were here. _

 

_ If you were here, we would’ve walked hand in hand into her school with her, and she’d be chattering about everything she told me, with you too, and talking about the new baby.  _

 

_ I imagine that if you were here, if you’d have been here since the beginning, we’d be expecting another baby. But this time around, you’d carry our baby. A little boy, hopefully, but I know Jamie would want a little sister. She asked about getting a sister one time, after I explained that Kara was your sister, but I told her that it probably wouldn’t ever happen. I told her how hard it was for me to have her, and that I can’t handle having another baby.  _

 

_ But if you were here, we’d have another. I would want another. I can just picture it now, Agent Danvers, waddling around the DEO with a huge baby belly.  _

 

_ We’d take bets on the baby’s gender, but know no matter what he or she was born, it didn’t matter to us or to them, they could be whoever they wanted to be.  _

 

_ I wish I’d known sooner that I wanted kids with you, would’ve saved us a hell of a lot of pain, right?  _

 

_ Anyway, back to my fantasy land.  _

 

_ We’d wait for her in the school yard, like I will later today, and she’ll probably run up to us and ramble on about her day and the new friends she made. She’s shy, but around kids her own age, she opens up a little bit.  _

 

_ I wish you were here with me. You shouldn’t have to miss out on this.  _

 

_ Love you, Danvers, _

_ Maggie _

 

_ Ps: I picked up Jamie from school like an hour ago, she was talking my ear off. She loved the new school so much, and I’m so glad. She told me she met a new friend today, too. Her name is Kayla and Jamie had deemed her “my very bestest best friend”. It was very adorable.  _

 

_ I still wish you could’ve been here with me to see it.  _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> come yell at me...

**Author's Note:**

> this is why I shouldn’t be allowed access to writing materials… things spiral out of control...


End file.
